Brooke Lowther loved this girl. Texas was here.
Expecting to give. Expecting to learn. Expecting to do, be, love.
Expectations set guards and boundaries and safe-zones. But life is full of unexpecteds.
When we are faced with the unexpected, it’s as if a full length mirror of self-realization displays the most ugly parts of who we are. And this proverbial mirror has revealed an image of who I really am. A mess. A hot, stinkin’ mess.
Self-realization is like eating vegetables; you know its good for you, but doing it is difficult.
I wasn’t expecting to be as radically challenged as I have been. Tough questions, long talks, difficult examinations. I feel like Paula Abdul and that lame cartoon cat circa 1990. Yes, I’m taking one step forward, then two steps back.
In my quest of discovering my inner Mother Theresa (loving, giving, self-sacrificing), I’ve seen pockmarks and holes in my character I never knew existed. One a long, dusty road into Nairobi I processed with Matt about life-change. As tears streamed down my face, I tried desperately for find a simple prescription for my long withstanding ills.
I know I have to change. I just don’t know how.
The plight of humanity is being the best version of us we can be. For an over-achieving, control freak I want a happy ending with perfectly structured sentences and neat, tidy endings. But life is full of unexpecteds.
Here’s to more roads of unexpected turns, difficult questions, and a journey worth the fight.
Hakuna Matata…
With God in control Bianca, all things will go according to plan. Listen to His guidance, direction and enjoy the ride.
Your glowing and growing, can't wait to see what God uses you for next!
Word! Thanks, Anna!
Enjoy the journey of discovery God has you on 🙂 He ALWAYS has a beautiful purpose in mind… for all the difficult things he reveal in our hearts he turns it all for His glory. Hope you are enjoying Africa!!!
Charissa, thanks SO much for your continued support!
Praying for you and Matt today Bianca…. loving how open and beautiful your heart is as you explore God in the open land of Africa.
"When we are faced with the unexpected, it’s as if a full length mirror of self-realization displays the most ugly parts of who we are. "
*sigh* yes. I so get this. Africa has a way of turning me inside-out too and getting me to look at the real-uglies that I have spent so many years trying to hide…
praying today for you 🙂
You feel me!!! Ugh, I'm so glad we've connected and share the same heart 🙂
The unexpected has a way of ripping into my nice, neat packaged life and showing me that I too am a hot mess. I love that you got to experience this trip. Every time I go on a missions trip I am always changed and challenged. I'm praying for you guys!
Thank YOU for supporting my trip. I'm blessed to know you believe in me 🙂
Oh do I know about the uglies being exposed. Praying for you today, Bianca. I echo Jenny – I know how Africa rips you inside out and forces you to see things in a different light.
Yes, a totally different light. But I'm so blessed to see this and be a part of something bigger than myself 🙂
I can't believe you called MC Scat Cat lame.
OK. He was lame.
God's got big things planned for you, B. I've known that from the minute I discovered your blog. This trip is just another brick in the foundation for the rest of your life.
Hahahahaha! Well, I don't know what's worse: Scat Cat or Paula's vest?!
🙂
I think it's amazing what God is doing over there…enjoy the new discoveries and things God is showing you (although i know it can be hard to hear sometimes)
Praying for u!
You took this trip to help others, sounds like this trip is helping you too.
I love that you are still blogging over there. My heart is with you and I'm praying for you and Matt and your team and the people you are reaching every day 🙂 Love you!
Wow I love your heart, because I am to comfortable to step out in faith to do what you are doing.. Perhaps I am also afraid of the reality and what flaws it would reveal in my character.. I look forward to the summer series and what you will bring to us and the work that the Lord is doing in your life….
What a journey to take with your partner and soon to be husband before marriage.. The Lord will honor you both for your willingness to go out and save the world…
Thank you again for your honesty!
By the way, did you happen to get a picture of the mini monkeys?
Ugh, reading this reminds me that I am not alone….The Lord has been doing much of the same thing within my own heart lately and it hurts, but it needs to be done.
I will be praying for you that the Lord would continue to show your "cracks" and that you would continue to let him, the master Potter, make you into something beautiful that only He can do 🙂 Blessings to you!
Thank you for sharing your heart here…Right before God opened a door of ministry for me, He showed me some really awful things about myself. As I read how God lopped off the boughs of the trees of Lebanon, a metaphor for Assyria.. God chopped them right down to their stump… I saw how much of my heart was filled with pride and envy and entitlement just as described of Assyrians. I cried over my bible, filled with shame…but I read on…Isaiah 11…a shoot will spring forth from the branch of Jesse…from the stump came a shoot that would bear much fruit. God has a way of keeping our hearts humble….emptying our vessels to be used by Him. As cliche as it sounds, God has an amazing plan for you and His plans will NEVER be thwarted. You may plan your steps, but he has already paved the road you are walking on.
And that mirror you see your reflection in….it leads to a window by which we see God's infinite grace….
Loving you from afar dear sister!
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