I’ve been faced with a mirror. A mirror revealing the nefarious darkness of who I am and who I pretend to be.
It’s deeper than self-deprecation and harder than self-effacing… it’s self-realization. When staring into the reflection of actions, words, thoughts, or deeds, what is revealed? What can be seen?
I’m controlling. And God controls all.
I’m afraid. And God is peace.
I’m a perfectionist. And God laughs.
I’m religious. And God hates religion.
Embarrassed and humiliated, confused and unsure, I’m staggered by the truth. How do I change? Where do I begin? Is this time going to be different than the times before?
Perhaps I should quote Dallas Willard’s greatest line: Do the next best thing. What that is, I have no clue. But as I take steps forward in letting God be God, pray I don’t smash any mirrors or talk out loud to myself like the Venice cat lady and her screeching grocery cart.
Do the next best thing,
B
Oh my goodness! God has been teaching me the same thing! Like yesterday when I was spending time with Him He was speaking to me about not allowing myself to think I am one thing when definitely I am not, both good and bad. Wonderful post, Bianca! Have a lovely Monday!!!
Wow. You're so good at saying so much with so few words!
I wish I had the words to express how this is affecting me right now. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us, to give us a better understanding for those who cannot put feeling into words.
Me too…me too…
Can I say how excited I am to get to hang out with you THIS WEEK…TOMORROW in fact?
It's gonna be so fun….get ready!
okay, shut up, lindsey. 😉
we are going to skype you…remember?
Yes, we are going to Skype for sure!
perfect. so perfect. love you.
Wow. This hit me like I was in a Final Destination movie and this post was a bus. So powerful.
I have been thinking about this too…i always remember that verse about forgetting what u looked like after walking away from the mirror…i feel like i am that person sometimes…ok a lot of the times….thanks for the encouragement!
I have control issues and I try to be perfect! And I need to figure it out quickly because in a month we will be adding a newborn to the family! With a toddler and a newborn, trying to be in control of all things and perfect will put me next to you and your cats!!!!
Bianca,
Now that you’re married, you will realize so much of yourself that you wont like. I realized I was VERY selfish and religious as well. Thanks be to God that even though we’re constantly changing, God remains the same. Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow and forever more. Look at the rainbow, He made a promise many years ago and today.. still the rainbow remains. A reminder of His faithfulness towards us
Powerful… thanks for being REAL
Bianca you are humble and you are teachable and you are being transformed daily… as you submit to Him, He will show you the next best thing…
And then He asks you put down the mirror and He quiets you with His love and sings over you with rejoicing and calls you His Beloved….
Who is Like you, Oh Lord?!
I needed to hear that. Thanks Mel…
And the next best thing is – repentance. Again. Without knowing that this time it will be different. He will finish the work He begun in us. Eventually. He is not limited by our performance. In the end – the main commandment is to love Him.
Until we see Him, our life should be a continual repentance, seeking Him, looking in His eyes, loving Him because of how He loves us (and our neighbors) and, letting Him to do whatever He wills through us.
I know that letting Him to do it through us is different from trying our best. But I am still on trying my best for Him..and.I.mess.up..for so long and in different ways. Only not to let the pride and fear of failure to be the mover of my life and cause me to give up, instead of repenting, or to "hide" from Him, instead of drawing near, or to "change my circumstances", instead of laying my heart in front of Him and asking to be emptied of myself and be filled with Him and letting Him to do it through me – the way He wants.
By the way -Thank You – you supported me in one of the difficult moments by a simple – Just hang in there…I still hang and look to Him.
Wow Bianca…such powerful words from dear friends. Read them a few times over again today. I too want to encourage you with one of my favorite verses that I came across yesterday. It's for you today: "He will take great deligjht in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing" Zeph. 3:17
Momma, I love you. Your comment means so much to me. I'm off to Atlanta. Pray for me…
Does marriage have anything to do with this self-realization? I only ask because marriage put the biggest, ugliest, fattest mirror in front of me I'd ever seen… Only it didn't take long for me to realize that the mirror wasn't distorting anything. That was who I was. It was a great motivator to seek God's direction and guidance. God (and heck! My husband) deserved so much better than who I had been by default.
And, by the way, I'm by NO MEANS saying that's who you are or why you've come to write this post… Just sharing my end 🙂
i love this. the next best thing… someone very special and inspirational told me this exact same thing on a day when i was broken, hurting, and empty. Yet, i still didn't understand until i whole heartily gave it to God and asked for him to guide me and show me what the next best thing was. your awesome Bianca and i thank God you are in my life and in so many others. i am excited to continue to hear what Gods message is from you and so many other. love you and Pray for me! jen
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