Marriage is hilarious. Like a comical feat of painful lows and hilarious highs. I usually don’t talk about marriage because I’ve been married for what feels like five minutes. In Hollywood years, I’ve been married a century, but for most successful marriages, I’m still in diapers.
Marriage brings out the absolute best and worst of individuals. But I’m going to go out on a limb and venture to say, if you and your spouse serve in ministry, the harrowing feat of surviving serving each other and serving others is a major balancing act.
Take yesterday for example. The Olthoff house was humming with activity before we needed to be at church. Matt was leaving early to lead a meeting, so I opted to say back with Parker and Ryen and prepare for the busy day before heading to church. Worship music rang through the house and warm air flowed through our open windows. Life was beautiful.
But with mercurial force, something changed. Maybe it was the stress. Maybe it was the heat. Maybe it was the topic. Or maybe it was just spiritual warfare [another blog for another day, friends]. Whatever the reason, what started as a simple conversation about finances turned into an all-out verbal exchange of yo’-mama-trash-talking and finger pointing. Twenty minutes into our heated fellowship, we were both saying stupid things and teetering on ledges, unhealthily and dangerously.
Matt left in a huff to make his meeting. I sat on the edge of my bed and talked to myself like a crazy lady speaking to the air. I’ll show him! I’m just not going to go to church. Hmph! That’s right, I’m boycotting church and he’ll be there alone. But see, even as a schizophrenic CatLady, I have enough sense to hear myself on a ledge. Not going to church wouldn’t solve the problem, it would intensify it because I’m giving the enemy a stronghold in my life to think my pride is worth more than my humility.
I drove myself and the kids to church, checked them into Sunday school, and sat in the large sanctuary as my husband facilitated a meeting in an office somewhere on campus. And as the cosmos would have it, the topic in church was FORGIVENESS.
Hand to heaven, I wanted to get up and walk out. I wanted to throw my bulletin at the stage and say, Yeah right, God! I’m not staying to hear this. I’m angry and I have a right to be angry. But I’m a good Christian girl so I sat there with a smile on and laughed like only a schizophrenic CatLady can do. Alright God, I said to myself. I’m listening, but I really hope you call Matthew in here too because we both know he needs this more than I do.
I wish I could say that the message was tailored for Matt, but honestly, it was for every, single person in the sanctuary. Pastor Muriithi Wanjau from Mavuno Church, Kenya spoke straight to the hearts of every person there. Whether married, single, divorced, or windowed, if you want a great message on forgiveness, I’d highly recommend watching it!
If you don’t watch the podcast, here’s the four takeaways from the sermon:
- Acknowledge the pain
- Reconcile the pain
- Forgive in closeness
- Let it go
Following the service, I saw Matt standing in the cafe. When our eyes met, all we could do was laugh. The life-transforming power of God’s word had assuaged both of our hearts and we both came to each other humbly, honestly, and lovingly. [I kissed him in the middle of the bookstore for crying out loud?! Slap me. Hard.]
Whether spouse, roommate, friend, or foe, have you been in a situation where you know you had to be the first one to forgive? What benefits have you received?
Love this. And the message was so, so good this weekend. I agree, he spoke right to everyone’s heart. Thanks for sharing B!
Thanks, Sara! I loved Pastor M 🙂 Glad you liked it too.
Why does that happen! Ghaw! When it’s a message they need hear we hear it and realize it was for us! Phffft I say joking of course! Thank God He is the mediator of our marriages, it’s better than a marriage counselor!
I think aside from sometimes being the first to forgive you have to go beyond that and decide to not get angry (obviously depending on the situation)… which means you have to forgive and let it go before it becomes a situation. Not sure if that made sense.
Example: Last week my husband was being a thorn in everyone’s side… he had this huge sign on him that said GROUCHY… it was horrible (I know cuz sometimes I borrow the sign). I could have given in to him but I decided not to get angry and not to reply to many things… I just decided to SHUT UP and forgive him for his grouchiness. I shared my joy with my two little ones in hopes that he would catch it too. His mood did get better and I refused to give in to his bad mood but I had to make a conscious decision not to get angry and forgive him… even though a big part of me just wanted to punch him in the face.
Wow. You’re a great wife. [Bianca said with conviction as she hung her head in shame ;)]
Wow Erika.. glad to know I’m not the only one who feels like punching hubbies in the face.. shew!!
Thanks for sharing.. I’ll have to practice the same thing.. except he is RARELY the one who is grouchy.. it’s usually me ;(
Ay mija! Let me tell ya.. Yesterday I was so angry at my hubbs and part of him knew it, the other part he talked himself into believeing he was not at fault. I struggled so bad it seemed like the whole church was staring at me crying like a baby. I didn’t want to take communion with him. I told the Lord “no, I don’t want to. I can’t, I dont’ want to bring condemnation upon myself cause I”m angry Lord.” And there it was.. I am angry… I just cried and cried so much that I had to make a run for it to the bathroom and cry in there alone.. I could of sworn the entire church was staring at this crazy prego lady and judging me for being so dramatic.. BUT GOD met me where I was, there in the bathroom stall… and it felt like I could not breathe from crying so much..
It was there He ministered to me and in a whisper I heard “I’m here”
The situation is still there.. but i’m not angry and wth God’s peace and mercy I have been able to forgive.. Now I have God’s peace in knowing He is here, there, wherever I am.. He is there….
On a side note: I think my hormones are out of whack! I cry for E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G!!!
I was home with my hubby while he was recovering from leg surgery and had to run around for the things he couldn’t reach out for. He became this huge Baby and it was a overwhelming. In my exhaustion, I cried in the bathroom for God to change my hurt because it was becoming into anger. I told my mom that after I nursed him back to good health I was going to beat him.
To my surprise, when it was over he called me an angel.
“God help me! I can’t.”, was prayer I prayed and has become #1 cry.
I’ve been in a situation where I realized I needed to be the first one to forgive and had been struggling with it and at the revisit (memories stay in your head) of my struggling with that realization (the need to forgive), I received a story assignment to write on the very issue of forgiveness. Yep. Prayed about it. Wrote about it. Decided to be the bigger person and forgive. If you’re curious to know more, you can read it here- http://therealword.org/Real_Word/Devotionals/Entries/2012/7/27_Forgiveness:_A_Lesson_On_Forgiveness_files/A%20Lesson%20on%20Forgiveness.pdf
Bianca: you asked what the benefits have been to forgiving…..
.. Release and freedom…
(I’d like to give an example but it’s very personal, not something I want to share publicly right now)
Just know it does work…it brings release and frees you from the weight of sin, quilt and shame….
Forgiveness, In marriage it’s important for Men to love their wives and for women to submit to their Husbands in all things
AMEN!!!!
Your transparency and ability to ‘keep it real’ is simply admiring. Thank you for sharing your heart. It was so cool meeting you in person (Pure Heart Conference). I was as “star struck” as the day I sat in the middle of Derek Fisher and Kobe Bryant to take a pic with them 🙂 God Bless You!
I’ve had some pretty interesting friendships over the past couple of years. Some very hurtful, some very fruitful. I’ve had a friend for years that I feel that has continually taken advantage of me and hurt me on purpose (or perhaps I’m terrible and I deserve it). For years I’ve been wanting to say what is really on my mind but passive aggressively I avoid her and ignore her. Also, I feel as if some unseen force holds me back and gently shuts my mouth and whispers into my ear ‘love her anyways’. Really? I’m still struggling to let it go.